How To Be A Skilled Small Talker (Interpersonal Communication Series) – Part 1

Question: What exactly is small talk? And what sorts of things would you talk about when making small talk with someone?

Small talk is a seemingly “insignificant” conversation, that serves the crucial function of being a social lubricant, facilitating interaction between you and your counterpart, either a colleague or even a fellow guest at a networking session whom you are mingling with for the first time. Through small talk, you can gauge someone’s mood, interests, build rapport, establish commonalities and further a closer relationship (for business or for platonic friendship). The initial topics to get the ball rolling usually range from the vibe of the event (e.g. “What do you think about the event so far?”) to what your profession is and the industry/ organisation that you represent (“What do you do?”/ “Tell me more about your industry!”). These are essentially neutral topics during small conversation, such the weather, current affairs, sports, or general themes about the environment they are in, like remarks about the location or occasion. Due of their universal relatability and safety as discussion starters, these subjects enable participants to assess one another’s communication styles and provide the groundwork for future engagement.

Some people play down the benefits of ‘small talk’, reckoning it as platitude conversations that won’t make a difference in persuasion or thinking that it is non-technical, skill-based endeavour (“Who doesn’t know how to ask about the weather?” – cue rolling eyes and perfunctory chin jerk). However, if small talk is done right, it can be the catalyst to deep relationships and rapport-building, and more importantly, it is not as easy as it seems – investing genuine interest in the other person, empathetic and active listening are all necessary techniques for effective small talk. Techniques such as recognizing points of agreement in a short amount of time to capitalise for parroting or establishing commonality, as well as recognizing points of contention and how to artfully & tactfully disagree. Skilled small talkers pay attention to verbal cues, body language, and contextual indicators as well, to steer the discussion in a route that is interesting and comfortable for both parties.

Question: Do you need to be an extrovert/outgoing or a good speaker to make small talk? Do you need to be friendly and sociable?

It is a common misconception that one needs to be born with the gift of the gab in order to excel at anything related to communication, either interpersonal settings or on-stage. The difference between an extrovert and introvert is that the former energises or recharges himself/ herself through the interactions and small talks, whilst the latter drains himself/ herself when engaging in such conversations. However, that does not mean that an introvert can’t excel in small talks.

In similar vein, although eloquence certainly enhances the quality of such small talks, but such eloquence or speaking skills can be trained and acquired (Nurture Over Nature). We tend to think that powerful speakers must fit the typical template of strong charisma or high energy. This may not necessarily apply equally to all individuals – some may prefer a more mellowed style of speaking.

The basis for ‘friendliness’, besides the demeanour (certainly a smiley and vivacious attitude is always a plus, especially if we juxtapose that with a gloomy and lacklustre countenance), is the willingness to listen intently to the other party and the ability to keep the conversation open and non-acrimonious.

In summary, whilst there are universal speech techniques to help bolster the abilities in making quality small talks, introverts can pepper the conversations with their character and style and re-charge their drained-self in their own way, instead of shunning such communication settings entirely.

Stay tuned for Part 2 in which we share tips with regard to the question: “What are some social and professional advantages of knowing how to make small talk? How can it help you become a better conversationalist? How can it help you widen your network and help you make more friends?”