How To Be A Skilled Small Talker (Interpersonal Communication Series) – Part 6 (final)

Question: How do you encourage the other person to converse with you, especially if they’re shy?

This is a fitting final question because it actually requires the elements that we have discussed in the preceding parts – active listening, empathy and being non-judgemental are the elements that must be carefully balanced in order to persuade someone to sustain a conversation—especially if they are reticent. Since diffidence frequently results from a lack of confidence in one’s social skills or a fear of being judged, it is crucial to establish a welcoming, impassioned, and comfortable space for the other person.

Below we offer 3 main techniques that need to be used in order to effectively facilitate effective small talks with a shy person!

Tip #1: Manage Your Start & Stop

You might be wondering “Do we really need to plan for every conversation?”. We know that it is odd to use such a formal structure/plan for something as simple and casual as a small talk. While you may not need to start curating your conversations to the second (phew!), it is still important to think about how you would generally approach a conversational setting.

For example, when conversing with a diffident acquaintance in a networking setting, a clear, focused, and directed conversation may be preferred. This would entail the use of overviews, summaries, and signposting (which are checkpoints to identify the flow of the speech – e.g. “Firstly…Secondly…Thirdly…/ Reason #1…Reason #2…”). You may also require an acute awareness of how much conversation stage-time you are taking. In short, are you talking too much?

You want to impress upon the other party that you are not an insufferable rambler whom they should run from.

Conversational partners who are shy may require an encouraging and safe environment to really open up. To create that encouraging atmosphere, you may try reframing your question to allow for an easier answer. For example, instead of a broad, open-ended question (“What do you think about the entire event?”), start with an easy yes-no (close-ended) question (“Did you enjoy the last performance?”). Once your audience is comfortable, you can coax them with deeper questions. If there are other parties in the conversation, pick someone else (e.g., someone who tends to be more participative) to set the ball rolling. The diffident one(s) may feel the ease in responding after watching others in action!

Tip #2: Set Your Story Experience

We love stories. Be it for a speech or a quick sharing, a story is a powerful tool to engage your audience. You may be wondering – do we really need stories for a simple conversation? Think back to your last conversation, and you are likely to have included an anecdote or a personal experience sharing. These tales help to flesh out your conversations, moving it from a superficial interaction to deep, personal discoveries.

How should we share a story in a conversation? Unlike a traditional speech, your story is unlikely to be one that is dramatized or verbalized in the same full structure. Rather, stories are best utilized in conversation settings to create an open and engaging atmosphere. Try relevance check-in questions to create a direct connection with your conversation partner (e.g. “Have you experienced this before?”). Instead of a one-way sharing street, such questions will help you to draw a quick, relevant link between the story being shared and the other party!

Tip #3: Body language that makes your conversational responses impactful

You hold power in your hands … to signal openness and gregariousness to your conversational partners in small talks. Your hand gestures can make the difference between an energized conversation and a guarded one, depending on the postures and gestures used.

The three-part body language bundle is technique you can use. To appear having less nerves and greater readiness to engage in the conversation, start by ensuring your posture is upright: 1) that your chest is stretched outwards and upwards, 2) your legs being shoulder width apart, 3) weight of your body is resting on the ball of your feet (instead of folded arms, resting on one leg or hands in pockets). Second, make additional movements with your palms up and with wider hand motions. As a result, you are adopting an open gesture and angle toward your audience (imagine how you would embrace or hug someone). Third, to convey a sense of sincerity and respect, pivot your entire body towards your conversational partner during the small talk (imagine a parent giving all his/her attention to a baby). This signals to the other party that you genuinely want to listen to their responses, want to engage in a meaningful conversation with them, and actually want to be present there. When such genuine attention is shared, most individuals, even those who are more reticent, would be willing to engage in a meaningful conversation with you!