How To Be A Skilled Small Talker (Interpersonal Communication Series) – Part 5

Question: How do you ask questions without seeming like you’re prying?

The ability of asking pertinent questions without coming across as obtrusive demands a speaker or communicator’s intellectual dexterity, empathy, and speaking finesse. Effective boundary-respecting questioning is essential for building real rapport, getting knowledge (meaningful discovery work), and keeping good relationships in a variety of small talks and professional networking settings. We will look at a few methods bellow, for striking the right balance when it comes to asking questions—between curiosity and prudence.

It is important to understand foremost that your conversational partners are not out to sabotage or stonewall you. Rather, their rather muted reaction or responses may stem from the fear of being offensive, gullible, or boring. Your goal is to create a safe and inviting environment in your conversations.

First off, you may mitigate the chance of coming across as “nosy” by structuring your questions with genuine curiosity and empathy. Even the inclination of your tone might help in signalling your true passion in the topic! Exhibiting genuine interest in the experiences, ideas, or emotions of the other person demonstrates a respectful intention behind the question. For instance, one could say, “I’m interested in learning more about the factors that influenced your decision…” as an alternative to asking, “Why that decision?”. This method invites the person to be more receptive to the idea of sharing their insights, instead of perceiving it as intrusive.

When asking a question, it would also ease your conversational partner into giving you his/ her heartfelt response if you give your opinion about the topic first, thus acting as the spark that inspires them to contribute (lead by example). In this way, it relieves them off the pressure of second-guessing your take on the issue. For instance – “When it comes to this (issue), this is just my personal take, not meant to be a prescription, I believe that…”.

In addition, sharing a personal anecdote that is relevant to the topic enables the other party to sense authenticity and sincerity (in other words, you are coming from a position of experience and good faith), hence lowering their guard.

You may also try ‘funnelling’ your scope of questions (from macro issues that are economy-wide, down to micro issues that are job-specific). In other words, start by using easy or wide conversation starters. A casual conversation about their industry or the highlights of their workplace, for instance, could be just the easy way to get your guest to unwind. Subsequently, locate more specific areas of interest in the discussion to pique interest in a certain subject or sharing.

Lastly, you may also choose to insert a buffer before your question to avoid being seen as prying. Reassuring words such as “No worries if you are unable to share any details that may be sensitive…” allows the other party to leave out any information that they might see as sensitive, in a face-saving manner.

Here’s the best tip I can leave you with when it comes to interpersonal communication/ small talks, sometimes, the questions that you ask will be prying to the other party, despite all the techniques we have discussed above to avoid being intrusive. In that case, it is not able your speaking prowess or finesse, it is about your ability to “read the room”. Understanding nonverbal clues like body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions can help you determine how comfortable the other person is with you and when to change the topic of conversation. It could be wise to change the subject or approach it more subtly in order to respect someone’s boundaries if they seem really hesitant or guarded in response to a particular question – for instance, their responses are peppered with ellipses, or if they exhibit closed body language (e.g. folded arms).

Stay tuned for Part 6 (final) in which we share tips with regard to the question: “How do you encourage the other person to converse with you, especially if they’re shy?”