How To Be A Skilled Small Talker (Interpersonal Communication Series) – Part 4

Question: How can you be a better listener while making small talk with someone?

Mastering the skill of active listening is a strong habit you can cultivate when making small talks. The essence of active listening is all about making sure that your listeners are constantly put first throughout the event. Help your conversational partner become the life of the conversation instead of making it all about you and what you can derive from the small talk.

Active listening entails more than just the act of listening. Beyond taking in what your guest is saying, sometimes, a quick summary of the issue being discussed (“If I understand you correctly …”) can help calm your nerves, reassure the other parties listening to you, and drive conversations forward. Remember that your main aim should be to provide a relevant response when it is your turn to speak (and not about dominating the conversation with what you would like to say).

Active listening is not just about the imbibing of information, it is also about what you need to do with that information (listening with intent!). While listening, you may want that use the time to strategise your next response. In deciding if you should say something, look out for these three guiding questions. First, is your point value-adding? If you are merely repeating or agreeing with what was said, you may end up saying nothing new. Try to give new reasons, examples, or perspectives! Second, is your point relevant? In a moving conversation, the window to respond to a specific issue may be short. Remember to keep track of the conversation and know if the ship has sailed. Third, is your point necessary? Even if your response is relevant or value-adding, it may not be needed in that setting.

One surprising trick

One can improve their skills at small talks greatly by – you might not be able to guess it – practicing mindfulness. Wait, isn’t that some sort of meditation? How has it got to do with becoming more skilled at small talk?

Attentive listening & empathy can be augmented with mindfulness practice.

Mindfulness practice allows unbiased acceptance of other people’s ideas, feelings, and experiences without hastily judging and responding to them. Why? It’s because mindfulness practice hones one’s mental ability to shift their focus back to the issue at hand, in the event of he or she is distracted.

It entails putting all prior ideas/ preconceived notions and distractions aside and giving your entire attention to the present moment. Avoid multitasking or mentally preparing your answer while the other person is speaking when you are small talking. Rather, pay attention to their tone, body language, and words.

Empathy is the capacity to understand another person’s viewpoint without passing judgment on it and to put oneself in their shoes. Say, “It sounds like work has been overwhelming for you lately,” in response to someone who reports feeling stressed about their job, for example, in order to show empathy. To the other person, you are making a conscientious effort to understand him or her by recognizing his/ her emotions and life experiences. Deeper connection with the speaker is then made possible by such mindful listening, which also makes it easier to notice small clues that could be underlying feelings or ideas.

Stay tuned for Part 5 in which we share tips with regard to the question: “How do you ask questions without seeming like you’re prying?”