How To Be A Skilled Small Talker (Interpersonal Communication Series) – Part 3

Questions: How do you engage in small talk with sincerity and authenticity? It’s one thing to talk about random things with someone but how do you come across as genuinely interested in the conversation?

Admittedly, verily, small talks do BEGIN with generic and rather non-thought-provoking conversational topics – that’s the very reason why it has the word “small” in it! Despite its surface-level superficiality at the incipient stage, small talks can lead to more meaningful and SINCERE interactions and connections. Here’s how – people typically detect sincerity and authenticity in two ways – 1) “logical connection” and 2) “emotional connection”.

1) Logical connection is whether your responses is pertinent and relevant to what they are saying. If the responses miss the point, it signals to them that you are patronizing them or worse, slighting them. For example, if the conversation has already progressed to the [ways we can combat climate change], yet you respond “Yeah absolutely, climate change is bad for us all. So bad.” – the boat has clearly sailed. How to avoid that, you may ask? One word – LISTEN. Active listening is the most important thing to do first. Giving the other person your UNDIVIDED attention is the first step towards displaying real interest (imagine that person is a baby and remember how we give babies our fullest attention when tending to them?). This entails keeping eye contact, nodding, and indicating your active participation in the conversation with spoken cues like “I see” or “That’s interesting.” By showing the other person that you value their ideas and perspectives, you can build rapport and a sense of connection by carefully listening to them.

2) Emotional Connection is whether you have had the SAME experience before, thus being able to personally relate to what they are sharing. Small chat interactions can become more meaningful when genuine commonalities and empathy are expressed. Furthermore, provide them emotional validation by confirming their sentiments and making encouraging remarks. You might wonder “What if we don’t have shared experiences in such cases?” – BE HONEST about it. Literally say, “I can only imagine, so it hasn’t happened to me yet…” – don’t stop there – always follow up with open-ended inquiries. Try to find out about the experiences, beliefs, and interests of the other person rather than just asking yes/no questions. For example, you could inquire “What did you do over the weekend?” instead of “Did you have a good weekend?” This encourages the other person to divulge more personal information, resulting in a deeper conversation.

The key to having a meaningful and genuine small talk is to be aware that it is not about being patronizing and agreeing with everything the other party says. In other words, disagreements can be productive. We may be tempted to recoil from the prospect of a disagreement, thinking that the conversation is only ‘successful’ is when it is inundated with “Yes” and “Right…right”. The better question to ask is – “How to disagree with tact whilst keeping the conversation going?”. When disagreeing with someone, ensure that you acknowledge the significance of the initial view that they had. This can be as simple as an “I understand where you are coming from because …”.

Next, anticipate the possible responses your counterpart may have in the disagreement. This requires you to listen carefully to the focus or interest of the other party. This does not mean you are simply waiting for your chance to strike. Instead, ensure that you are disagreeing with the exact point (and not the point you thought the other party had!). Finally, wait for an opportune time to raise your disagreement. We have all been in that situation before where your disagreement is so intense that you just had to interrupt the other party. Try to bide your time and not waste your rebuttal by raising your disagreement at a point when the other party is willing to listen.

Stay tuned for Part 4 in which we share tips with regard to the question: “How can you be a better listener while making small talk with someone?”